As far as I understand, a funeral service is supposed to be an emotionally intimate event that serves as the final goodbye for someone you loved, and still love.
The fact is that there is often a lot of pressure on bereaved families to organise a ‘perfect’ funeral service. Often, there is a significant amount of stress in planning a funeral, and disagreements between family members form part of the process, with some coming up with stories like, “this is what mum or dad wanted/wished for” I have noticed that those stories come from those who do not even contribute anything, except for causing mayhem during the preparations.
Lately, bereaved families are forced to feel pressure to honour their loved one the best way they can. This is understandable, but who set those new ‘norms’? What about this new trend that, among others, includes the so-called “After Tears” parties in the name of celebrating the life of the departed?
In South Africa preparing for a funeral service used to be deeply rooted in tradition and culture, often involving honouring the deceased and their ancestors. While modern influences have taken over, I still believe the core of South African funerals should be about community support.
Obviously, this is no longer the case. These days funeral services are characterised by vibrant gatherings of people who attend a service and cause disturbances because they are drunk, not paying attention to the proceedings, and they only looking forward to the end of the service so they can continue drinking, playing loud music and dancing, claiming to be celebrating the deceased’s life.
Why do that at an 80-year-old’s funeral? If the “After Tears” session does not take place, then the funeral was boring. I see many people who are supposed to be mourners, have the nerve to even judge and complain about the food served after the service, its quality, the veggies and salads, etc. Why do we put so much unnecessary pressure on bereaved families? Sadly, we all know the key aspects of a funeral, but we opt to do the opposite.
Funerals should involve community members, neighbours and friends providing practical assistance and emotional support to a bereaved family. Losing a loved one – and their subsequent send-off – are emotionally draining and intense events; a bereaved family deserves nothing but unwavering support and guidance to navigate the process. Yes, night vigils are a thing of the past, but I think it is still important to treat the deceased and the bereaved with respect and dignity.
Of course the 5th Industrial Revolution is upon us, but I doubt that it must erode that which used to define us, our blackness, our norms. Is it too late to go back to basics.
